Wednesday, July 27, 2016

I am closing my blog for now.

I am sorry but I had a depression episode and I put my blog in private mode for a while to keep me from deleting it. I needed some time to re-think what I was doing. I was not trying to be a dick and I did not do this for copyright or money reasons. I did not realize that some people actually used some of the stuff of my blog for their games. I switched back my blog to public mode to keep it available for consultation.

I am more and more isolated in my life and recently I have a bigger feeling of self failure about my social life, my work and my art. Sometime I just want to vanish and to cut every contact with human beings. 

What happened is that Patrick S asked me to work with him on a project similar to the The Maze of the Blue Medusa, but I realized that I am still simply too anxious and depressive to work on any projects with anybody and that I had to turn him down. This was a big blow and I took it very hard so I crashed down and went down into a big depressive mood where I wanted to delete everything to just stop drawing because anyway I can't do or accomplish anything with my talent, so fuck my drawing. (The same thing happened last year with Kabuki Kaiser, Paul Czege and other friends on google +)
(My main feeling of failing come from the time before doing gaming stuff, I tried for years to finish multiple graphic novels, more than one editor was interested, I was active in the Montreal's comic book scene, etc... but I was not able to finish anything and I ended up isolating myself from a lot of comic book artists friends.)

Now I am feeling better, but I still have a hard time finding time to work on my projects. This is getting very frustrating even if I try to draw everyday. The thing is that while I draw nearly everyday, most of the time I am only drawing stand alone illustrations to make me feel good and to have the feeling of doing something. It's a good procrastination, but while I am doing this I dont work on my projects. This is the other reason why I wanted to close my blog: to force myself to work on my projects, to be able to finish some stuff and to stop feeling that I fail at everything. 

So for now I want to avoid posting here to force myself to work on my projects. I may start feeding the cauldron again if I manage to publish something.


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